The Arrancar go to the store
by SupaStar-Man
Summary: Aizen's low on groceries, so Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, Orihime, and Wonderwice go buy some. T for language.
1. The order

"Ah, Ulquiorra, I'm glad you have come." Said Aizen, sitting on his throne.

"What is it, Aizen-sama?" Said Ulquiorra.

"I have a very, VERY important mission for you." Said Aizen.

"Is it to destroy those worthless invaders who will eventually kill all of us espada off before the winter war arc even starts?" Said Ulquiorra.

"No. Even MORE important." Said Aizen. "You see, I've been running low on groceries."

"Groceries, sir?"

"Yes, Groceries. Hueco Mundo is so barren, there's nothing but sand and a moon. Seriously, don't you hollows EVER get in the mood to go get a bite to eat?"

"No," said Ulquiorra. "We have holes in our stomaches. Or in my case, neck."

"I see. Anyway, I want you, Grimmjow, Wonderwice, and Orihime to go to the real world to do some Grocery Shopping. I will lend you some gigais, so you will be seen."

"Is this a task really important enough to bring two espadas, a retarded guy and a wicked hot hostage chick?" Asked Ulquiorra.

"Yes. If I don't drink any herbal tea in a span of a week, I'll spaz out and have a mental breakdown, and it's already been 5 days." Responded Aizen, twitching slightly.

"What if Orihime refuses?" Said Ulquiorra.

"She should already know without telling her," Said Aizen, "That refusal to bring me groceries is punishable by a good SPANKING."

"I see." Said Ulquiorra_ Goddammit, I hope she refuses..._

"That will be all, here's my list and some cash." Said Aizen, giving Ulqiorra the list of his Groceries and Ten Thousand Yen.

"Grimmjow." Said Ulquiorra as he walked into Grimmjow's room.

"What is it, asshole?" Said Grimmjow.

"I'll have you know, my hole happens to be on my neck." Said Ulquiorra "Aizen-sama has ordered us to go the real world for business."

"I don't wanna." Said Grimmjow. "There's no way-"

"Orihime's coming too-"

"I'M IN!"

"Wow! You're letting me free from this awful room? You're the best, Ulquiorra!" Said Orihime as she hugged Ulquiorra.

"Don't get the wrong idea." Said Ulquiorra, though he was secretly savoring every moment. "We're just going to do some Grocery Shopping, then come right back."

"Awww..." Said Orihime as she let go of Ulqiorra.

"But, um, if you want to refuse, that's okay too..." Started Ulquiorra.

"Wait, wouldn't refusing something like this result in a spanking?" Whispered Grimmjow.

"Exactly." Whispered Ulquiorra back.

"No, it's okay. Better than not seeing the real world at all!" Said Orihime cheerily.

"Damn," Said Ulquiorra under his breath. "Alright, time to get the last person."

"AaaaAAAAAaaaaa..." Mumbled Wonderwice, as Ulquiorra and co. walked into his room.

"What? You never said he'd be coming too!" Said Grimmjow.

"I never said he wouldn't, neither." Said Ulquiorra. "Alright, we've got everyone. Now we will make our descent onto the real world, in which we will shop for Aizen-sama's groceries..."


	2. Goin' to the store

"Well, where's the gigais?" Asked Grimmjow as they arrived in the real world city of Karakura Town.

"I beleive Aizen-sama said we'd immeaditely appear in them once we arrived in the real world." Said Ulquiorra.

"But...we look exactly the same." Said Grimmjow. He was right. Same clothes, same shoes, same skull fragments on their faces.

"Exactly." Said Ulquiorra back. "This way we can still use all of our powers incase shinigami detect us."

"HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SHOP UNSPUCIOUSLY WITH FRIGGIN' SKULL FRAGMENTS ON OUR FACES!" Yelled Grimmjow.

"ARGHAARGHARRGH!" Said Wonderwice in agreement. At this moment, a little child and his mother were walking by.

"Mommy," Whimpered the child. "That weirdy man is scaring me."

"It's okay sweety, mommy's here." Said the mother. She then slapped Grimmjow across the face. "How DARE you make my son worry!" She took her son and left in a huff.

"Bitch." Said Grimmjow after she left.

"Well, now that's over why don't we go in this store and get it over with?" Said Ulquiorra as they began to walk to the convenience store that, true to it's name, had conveniently appeared right next to where they were standing. As they entered they were greeted by a store employer.

"Welcome to the Karakura store!" He said in a happy cheery voice. "How can I-" At this point he saw Ulquiorra's face. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed and ran for his life.

"What's wrong with him?" Said Orihime. "Wait! Could it be...my breath stinks?" She said in a panic as she breathed on her hands.

"Alright, I've divided Aizen-sama's list for each of us. Grimmjow, you'll go find the meat products."

"Whatever." Said Grimmjow as he took his list.

"Orihime, you'll be in charge of the vegetables."

"Yay!" Said Orihime, jumping for joy for no apparent reason.

"And I," Said Ulquiorra. "Will be in charge of obtaining the 'Herbal Tea', which Aizen said was most important."

"What about Wonderwice?" Asked Grimmjow.

"I dunno." Said Ulquiorra. "Just put him in the toy section so he doesn't get in the way."

"MAAAAaaaaaAAAWAaAAAAAa." Said Wonderwice as he began gnawing on the handlebar of a grocery cart.

"Ooookay." Said Ulquiorra. "I'm gonna take that as 'Yes Sir'." With that, our heroes (or rather, villans,) took their separate paths, in hopes of completing their oh so important task...


	3. The saga of Grimmjow

"So...Ulquiorra left me in charge of the meats, huh?" Said Grimmjow as he walked into the 'Frozen Food' section. "Hmmm...there's bound to be something here, lessee...the first thing on the list in pork cutlets. That's gotta in here somewhere..." He opened the door containing the frozen food and began to look around. Another customer, who was also looking around, noticed him.

"Dude," Said the customer. "What's with the skull fragment?"

"Oh, uh..." Said Grimmjow, quickly thinking of something to say. "I was in an...airplane...accident."

"Really?" Said the customer, sounding fascinated by the story.

"Yeah..." Said Grimmjow, having no choice but to continue the story. "I was...eating peanuts...when one got into my eye, which caused me to fall out the window, and I hit the ground so hard, part of my skull popped out of my head.

"Didn't you have surgery?" Asked the customer.

"Uh no, I'm...too poor."

"Dude, that's like the saddest story I've heard." Said the customer, holding back tears. "Here, have twenty million yen." He said, stuffing tons of yen into Grimmjow's pockets. "I hope your operation goes well." With that, he ran off suddenly.

"Wow, sweet deal." Smirked Grimmjow as he pocketed the cash. "And hey! Here's those pork cutlets!" He said as he noticed them in the freezer. He quickly took them and put them in his shopping cart. "Now, the next item is...BARBEQUED RIBS?!" How can Aizen seriously think I'll find friggin' barbequed ribs in JAPAN?! Oh, well better start looking." With that, he started looking in the aisles. He thought he'd have some luck in the 'Sauced Foods' section, but to no avail.

"Damn," Cursed Grimmjow. "Where the hell am I gonna find...hey!" He said as he found some barbeque sauce. "Well, that's half of it. Now if only I could get some ribs..."

"Excuse me," Said a rather bony looking employee as he approached Grimmjow. "Can I help you with something?"

Grimmjow looked at him for a moment, and then the best idea he could possibly have ever had entered his mind. "Yeah, you can." He said, grinning evilly.

"Uh, sir?" Said the employee, looking rather nervous. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

W-why are you raising your hand at me?"

"W-w-why is it glowing red?"

"CERO!" The powerful red blast from Grimmjow's hand completely annihilated the man's outer skin, lower parts of his body, his skull and the wall of the store behind him, leaving just the torso. Grimmjow walked over to it and tore off his ribs.

"Got 'em." He said happily as he put them in his cart.

Outside, the customer from before saw the wreckage and said. "Oh no! That's were that guy was shopping! Oh, if he lives, I'd give him another 20 million yen!"

"That can be arranged." said Grimmjow, who had Sonidoed right next to him.


	4. The saga of Orihime

"Okay, the next item is celery!" Said Orihime as she browsed the fruits and vegetables section. "But, you know what, I bet Aizen wouldn't mind some oranges either!" She said happily as she put some in the cart. "Or carrots, or rice, or pickles, or potatoes, or broccoli, or beans, or onions, or lettuce or..."

"Hey there," Said a masculine looking customer as he tried to foolishly make his move on Orihime. "Are you magic or something, because I think you've put a spell on me."

"Well...um...I guess you could say that." Said Orihime, completely oblivious to the fact that he wasn't serious.

"Yeah, I bet you want to guess that...wait, what?" Said the guy.

"Well, I myself am not that magic...though I do have the ability to see spirits and sense reiatsu pretty well...though I guess that's because I have the Shun Shun Rikka with me and all."

"Shun Shun Rikka?" Said the guy, completely weirded out.

"Yeah, Shun Shun Rikka." Said Orihime as if he was supposed to know what they were. "See? KOTENZANSHUN! I REJECT!" Tsubaki came flying out of her hairpiece, slicing the guy's arm straight off.

"AAAAAHHH! MY ARM! IT HURTS SO BAD!" Yelled the guy with all of his voice. The surrounding shoppers looked at the bloody scene for an instant, then went back to whatever they were doing.

"Oops, sorry about that!" Said Orihime "Here, let me help you! SOTENKISSHUN, I-Oh my god!" Said Orihime suddenly. "Look at that wall! There's a huge hole in it!" She immediately rushed over to the poor, injured, ceroed wall.

"You poor wall!" She siad, tears flowing from her eyes. "I'll help you! SOTENKISSHUN, I REJECT!" Her Shun Shun Rikka came out and started to heal the wall.

"Ahh, much better!" Said Orihime, now that the wall as now back to it's sturdy, ceiling supporting own self. "Now let's see, what was I doing again? Oh yeah, grocery shopping! Let's see, Aizen would probably eat bananas, or peppers, or tomatoes, or..." She began as she walked away. Meanwhile, the now one-armed man screamed in pain again.

"Hello? Anyone?" He screamed desperately. It happened to be this exact moment Ulquiorra walked by.

"You!" Said, the man, desperate. "Please help!"

"Hm?" Said Ulquiorra. "Why would an one-armed man like you be shopping?"

"No, you see-"

"You could be a spy sent by the Shinigami." Said Ulquiorra, his hand glowing red.

"W-wait, don't!" He said, but it was too late. Ulquiorra ceroed him.

"Cleanup on aisle five, cleanup on aisle five." Said a voice over the intercom.

"Man, if I hear that voice on more time, I'll go crazy. Speaking of which, I wonder how Aizen-sama's doing..."


	5. How Aizen's doing

"Uhh...Aizen?" Said Gin as he nervously entered Aizen's room. "You okay? Ulquiorra and the rest still haven't come back after _a day_, and I know how you get without the herbal tea, so..."

"It's alright, Gin." Said Aizen. "They were among the lowest of the Gillian."

"Um, actually that was Shawlong, Yylfordt, and those guys." Pointed out Gin. "They died a long time ago."

"Not really." Responded Aizen. "It was only like, 40 episodes ago."

"Episodes? What are you talking about?" Asked Gin, concerned about his master's sanity.

"The Episodes of course." Said Aizen. "We're on a TV show called Bleach!"

"Yeah...sure we are. The name Bleach _really_ makes sense." Said Gin. "You can dwell on that while I prevent you from going completely crazy. BAKUDO 99 PART 2, BANKIN!" Gin yelled as Aizen was wrapped in sheets.

"Gin, what is the meaning of this?" Yelled Aizen "I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!"

"We are." Answered Gin "I'm doing this for your-"

"REAL FRIENDS DON'T WRAP EACH OTHER UP IN TOILET PAPER!" Denied Aizen.

"Azen, please calm down-you're-"

"HOW DARE YOU SPELL MY NAME WRONG!" Yelled Aizen again.

"I'M NOT SPELLING I'M TALKING!" Yelled Gin back.

"NO YOU'RE SPELLING! THIS IS A FANFICTI-" Started Aizen, but at that point Tosen entered the room.

"Cry, Suzumushi." He said, releasing his zanpakuto on Aizen, putting him into a deep slumber. "That aught to hold him for awhile."

"Really," Complained Gin. "How long does it take to buy friggin' _groceries_?"

"They better hurry." Said Tosen. "If Aizen-sama does not get his herbal tea, he will surely lose all of his sanity and destroy all of Hueco Mundo" (Author's note: At this point in the story, I want you to yell 'DUN DUN DUN'. That cool?)

"Say-" Said Gin, looking at the sleeping Aizen. "I didn't know Aizen sucked his thumb when he slept."

"Me neither." Said Tosen. At this point they both pulled out cameras and took a snapshot.

"The Espada are gonna LOVE this!" Said Gin.


	6. The saga of Wonderwice

"Aaaaah." Said Wonderwice, as in the toy section, he had taken interest in a small toy fire truck. He slowly moved it back and forth as he started with it in amazement.

"Oooaaaoooa." He said again, which probably meant something along the lines of "This fascinating human toy has piqued my interest."

"Ummm, mister?" Said a small boy who was behind him, no younger than 6. "Can I have that fire truck back? I've been waiting for an hour to use it."

"Arraaargh!" Said Wonderwice back, who was meaning to say "Back away inscolent fool, or I shall crush you with the full extent of my powers!"

"Gee mister, you sure are retarded." Said the boy back innocently.

Wonderwice, in anger, sonidoed right behind him, preparing for a sneak attack, before yelling "Baaaaaaaaaaa!" Which loosely translates into "WHO YOU CALLIN' A FRIGGIN RETARD, YOU FAGGOT!" However, the boy simply turned around and kicked him down.

"Gee mister, If you're attempting a sneak attack, you shouldn't act so loud. Didn't your mommy ever teach you the essentials of fighting?" Said the boy, who then snapped his neck by constricting his arm around it, then started to play with his toy. At this point, the boy's mother walked in to the isle."

"Sweety, we're leaving now." She said.

"Gaaaaaaaaah!" Said Wonderwice, meaning "LADY, YOUR SON TRIED TO FREAKIN CHOKE ME TO DEATH!".

"Oh sorry, I don't speak mental retardism." Said the mother sweetly as she and her son, along with the red fire truck toy, left.

Now Wonderwice was sad. He started to cry in his sadness. He was so sad he must've created an entire new category for the word sad itself. However, a store employer walked by and noticed him.

"Excuse me sir." Said the man calmly. "Is there something I can help you with?"

With this Wonderwice stopped crying and said "Aah! AAaaaaAAAh!"

"I see. Someone took your truck?" Responded the employer.

"AAAaaaah! Baaagaaah!"

"And then he nearly choked you to death?" Said the employer in disbelief. He then noticed in the parking lot a rather burly looking man getting into a red pickup truck. "Don't worry, I'll take care of it for you." With that, we walked outside and started beating up the unsuspecting man before having security restrain him. He then took the keys and drove up the truck to the from of the store, where Wonderwice was.

"Here you go." Said the employer has he gave Wonderwice the keys.

Wonderwice looked at the truck and said. "Baaagaah!" Which can also mean "Wow, I don't know what that kid did, but now my truck looks super badass!"

He then looked at the keys and said "HooooAaaa?" Which means "What are these? Probably some time of human food, I guess." He then promptly ate the keys, before grabbing the truck and moving it back and forth, just as he had previously done with the little one.


	7. The saga of Ulquiorra

"Excuse me, sir" Said Ulquiorra as he tapped a employer on the back. "But do you know where I can find the-"

At this point the store employer turned around and saw his face. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" He screamed as he began running around franticly.

"Look, I'm not going to suck out your soul or anything, I just want to-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Look, buddy, my face isn't that-"

"AAAAAAAAA-"

"SILENCE!" Said Ulquiorra. At this point, the guy stopped running around. "Look, just where's the herbal tea?"

"Oh. It's over there." Said the employer calmly as he politely pointed him to the direction of the tea.

"Thanks." Said Ulquiorra as he left to go get it.

"No problem." Said the guy. He then went back to running around and screaming like a maniac.

"So, just gotta get this herbal tea, and then Aizen-sama's mission shall be complete." Said Ulquiorra as he walked into the aisle which contained the tea. However, to his horror, he saw that...there was only _ONE LEFT_! And an old lady was _PUTTING_ into her _CART_!

"No! I CANNOT let that woman take Aizen-sama's tea!" He yelled as he sonidoed to the woman and grabbed the tea.

"Hey! This MY tea, bub!" Said the old lady profoundly.

"No, I saw it FIRST!" Denied Ulquiorra.

"Without that tea, I'll get diaherria!" Proclaimed the woman.

"Without that Tea, Aizen-sama will surely lose all of his sanity!" Shot Ulquiorra back.

"I couldn't care less about your Aizen-sama!" Snapped the old lady back.

"ALL WHO OPPOSE THE GREAT AIZEN-SAMA SHALL BE PUNISHED!" Screamed Ulquiorra as he unsheathed his Zanpakuto.

"So you wanna play rough, eh?" Said the woman as she took out some eyelash curlers from her purse.

The battle was on. Zanpakuto clashed against eyelash curlers in a battle of truly epic proportions. Ulquiorra was fast, but the old lady's reflexes were fast enough to counter his attacks.

"FACE IT!" Screamed the old lady. "You will NEVER be able to touch me!"

"Then I will just eat your soul then!" Said Ulquiorra. With that he grabbed the old lady's face and opened his mouth as he sucked her soul out of her body, killing her.

Two guys from afar noticed the scene. "Dude," Said one of them. "That emo dude's makin' out with an old lady!"

"Duuuuuuuude!" Said the other in amazement.


	8. The EPIC ending!

"Alright! We're finally done shopping!" Said Grimmjow as they walked out of the store.

"Yeah, that seemed to take awhile." Said Ulquiorra, carrying the cart full of groceries. "Now, we must return quickly, or Aizen-sama will go crazy without his herbal tea." With that, he took out his hand to open the gate to Hueco Mundo. But just then, it seemed to open on it's own!

"Bwaaaaaa?" Said Wonderwice, which is translated into the phrase "What the F is going on?!" Then, a Gillian stepped out of the portal.

"It's just a Gillian, attracted by the abnormal spiritual energy in this town." Said Ulquiorra. "Let's go through the portal it came from." At this point, the Gillian's mouth started glowing red.

"It's aiming a cero right at this store! We have to run for it!" Said Grimmjow as the hurried towards the portal. However, when Ulquiorra started to run, the box of herbal tea fell out of the shopping cart.

Ulquiorra noticed this, and, in slow motion, screamed "NOOOOOOOOOO!" As he dived in super slo-mo towards the tea. However, it was too late. The cero hit the store, obliterating everything, including the herbal tea.

"NOOOOO!" Screamed Ulquiorra again in agony as tears rolled from his face. "Now Aizen-sama will go crazy! I let everyone down! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Hoooooooo." Said Wonderwice sadly. Then, his face lit up. "Jaaa!" He said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out...DA-DA-DADA! A box of herbal tea!

"Wonderwice!" Said Ulquiorra. "But-how-when-since-did-buy..."

"Aa." Said Wonderwice, which literally translates into "Right before we left the store, I switched the real herbal tea box with a decoy in case anything where to happen. It seems my precautionary methods proved to be the deciding factor in delivering the groceries to Aizen-sama."

"Whatever." Said Grimmjow. "Can we go home now?"

"Thank you, Ulquiorra." Said Aizen calmly, sipping herbal tea. "Though it took you three days, I nearly went insane for life and this picture of me sleeping -somehow- got on the meeting room table," He noted as Gin and Tosen whistled innocently. "I now have my groceries and everything is normal. But, there is still one more problem."

"What is it, Aizen-sama?" Asked Ulquiorra.

"You see, unlike Soul Society, I do not have the funds do repair the damage done. So, you're going to have to get the funds the old-fashioned way."

"Old-fashioned way?" Asked Ulquiorra. "How is that?"

"Your total is 137,000 yen, ma'am." Said Ulquiorra, standing in a checkout line, wearing an employee outfit and name tag that said "Hello, my name is Ulquiorra, and I will happy to be of assistance!".

"Now let's see here..." Said a very old lady in front of the checkout line, reaching in her purse. "I'm sure I have a check here somewhere..."

"Eleven years of packaging groceries to pay off all the damages." Said Ulquiorra to himself. "All the while doing it while standing next to THIS guy?" He pointed to Barragon, who was standing next to him in the checkout line. "Why are you even HERE? You didn't even come with me! And you smell like FARTS!"

"Aizen-sama said I have to promote my image, now that everyone knows my name." Said Barragon. "So I'll be here to keep you company."

"Grrr...DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMIT!" Screamed Ulquiorra.


End file.
